Video: A New Leaf
( beeping ) ( beeping continues ) Would you like to step out and have a cigarette, Mr. Graham? No, thank you. We'll call you when we know. No. I understand. ( irregular beeping ) ( rapid beeping ) ( steady beeping ) ( silence ) She'll be all right now, Mr. Graham. Thank you. You ever have any trouble with it before, Mr. Graham? I have to take it in two or three times a week, which is somewhat inconvenient, but the car is well worth it. How often do you drive it? Two or three times a week. I take it in every time I drive it. It usually needs a tune-up every few weeks, so I don't get to drive it very much. You have a real problem, Mr.
Graham. My own mechanic hasn't been very helpful. Is there anything you can recommend? You don't live on the island, so I can't check her regularly enough to get a real picture. Never drive her under 3000 rpm in a forward gear. Ever. And there's a lot of carbon on the valves. Yes, there always is. Thank you very much for the recommendation. "Usually needs a tune-up every few weeks." I wonder what he does to her, that– ( tires squeal ) ( engine sputtering ) Mr. Graham, your attorney Mr. Beckett has been trying to reach you. He's been calling the superintendent all week. Well, if he calls again, tell him I no longer live with the superintendent. Have this car taken to my garage. Broke down again, didn't it? I don't care to discuss it. GRAHAM: Then he told me it was carbon on the valves, which was no news to me because there's always carbon on the valves.
My own mechanic returned with the news that there was carbon on the valves. I asked him why the car broke down so frequently. He said probably because carbon got on the valves. I told you a Ferrari was useless in the city. Buy a Bentley and stop carrying on. How dare you? Oh, Mr. Graham! Henry, Henry. That's a perfectly insane… Oh, Mr. Graham! Yes, who is it? What is it? A Mr. Beckett on the phone! Beckett? Says he's your attorney. Has an urgent message. Says he'll wait. Tell him I'm out. PILOT: Don't have much chance to open her up. Half the time is spent taking off and landing. She needs a lot of upkeep. Every time I fly, she needs repairs. What's the trouble? My mechanic says it's carbon on the valves. MAN ( on radio ): O-1-foxtrot.
This is Long Island Tower. We're holding an emergency call for Mr. Henry Graham from his attorney, Mr. Beckett. Over. Roger. 0-1-foxtrot, over. I'll just get out here, thank you. I'm not taking that call. Mr. VanRensaeller, has Mr. Graham come in yet? Yes, he's in the lounge with Mr. Beaumont. Have I told you my apple trees have crown gall? Frequently. Well, then you can relax. They don't anymore. I sprayed, and the crown gall is gone. Hello, Van. I was just telling Henry that my apple trees had crown gall. But I sprayed, and the crown gall is gone. Oh, really? You must be very relieved. Yes. Yes, I am. Could I have a word with you, Henry? We've had several calls from your bank saying they have insufficient funds. Well, those idiots. I was prevailed upon as honorary secretary to please bring it to your attention so you can clear it up with the bank.
It's been going on for weeks. I wonder if Beckett would go this far to get me to call back? Listen to me very carefully, please. When you have capital, you are able to– No. I will attend to the check in a moment. I understand about the check. I'm trying to explain something terribly important to you. When we spend more per month or per year than we have in income, you must then dip into the capital, eventually exhausting the capital and of course, therefore, the income. Do you see what I mean? Mr. Beckett, this check must be paid. Mr. Graham– And at once. I'm trying to explain that it is impossible to pay the check. Your expenses have exceeded your income. You have exhausted your capital. You have no capital, no income, therefore, no funds for the check. Don't treat me like a child. No, I'm not. I am as aware of what it means to have no capital as you are. Oh, good, good.
Now. What about this check? Are you entirely sure you really do understand what I mean by capital, Mr. Graham? You've exhausted the capital. I can't cover the check. The check is for $6,000, and you don't have $6,000. In other words, you don't have $60. Come to the point, Beckett. The point, Mr. Graham, is that you don't have any money. The capital and income are exhausted, and you no longer have any money. I wish there was some other way I could say it. How could I put it? You have no capital, no income– No, it's only money. You have no money. There's no other way to put it. You mean I have no money? Yes, that's what I mean. You have no money. What of my stocks, my AT&T, General Motors, Amarada Peet? Yes, I know what stocks you have. I know about Amarada Peet.
Let me show you something. It was necessary for me to sell several shares per year in order to cover the checks– Who gave you the right to do that? You did, Mr. Graham! I did not. Fifteen years ago when you told me that you wished to live on $200,000. Despite the fact the income from your trust fund was only 90,000. That is beside the point. This check must be paid. Do you realize that this check has bounced? Bounced as though I were some indigent? Yes, I know the check has bounced. It is not the first check that you've had bounce. I personally have covered three overdrafts of yours to the extent– I'd like to show you this check of $550. This is of my own money, not the firm's, but that is not a policy I wish to continue. Who gave you the right to do that? Well, you did, Mr. Graham.
You mean to say I'm now in the position of owing you $550? Oh, no, no. Please don't think of it as a loan. I have no more hope of receiving it than you ever have of scraping it up. Well, thank you very much, Mr. Beckett. May I say, if you expected the smallest amount of gratitude, you have wasted $550 of the excessive fee I pay you for the tiny services you render. Mr. Graham, I would like to explain something to you. I have given you $550 of my own money for only one reason. Disliking you as intensely as I do, I wanted to be absolutely certain that when I looked back upon your financial downfall, I could absolve myself completely of any responsibility for it. And $550 is a relatively small price to pay for the knowledge that I've had nothing to do with your financial downfall. You have brought yourself to penury entirely on your own.
I don't suppose you'd care to give me another $6,000 and insure yourself against guilt permanently? You're perfect. Thank you very much, Mr. Beckett. You think my uncle would lend me some money? Mr. Graham, during the ten years that your uncle served as your guardian, he confided in me almost daily that he thought your father had placed him in that position as an act of spite. I don't think he'll give you a nickel. And considering your gift for close, personal relationships, I don't think anyone else will, either. Thank you very much, Mr. Beckett. Here you are. This will cover the overdraft of $550 that I owe you. Mr. Graham, I don't– You may have these too. They're non-filtered. Smoke them in good health. ( birds chirping ) ( majestic theme playing ) I am poor.
Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. MAN: Another one… And over here. From here to there. Just a little bit further, uh…sixteenth of an inch. Oh, Mr. Graham! How are you? Nice to see you. Excuse me, Mr. Fenniman. What can I do for you, Mr. Graham? Oh, nothing. I, uh– Won't you sit down a bit? Thank you, Pat. I…was looking for someone. ( majestic theme playing ) Good afternoon, Mr. Graham. ( speaks in French ) I'm fine, thank you. I'm kind of surprised. We're going to be ready any minute. Would you like a table for one? No. No, thank you. I… I just wanted to look at the room once more. It's always great to see you. You're always welcome here. You know that. Thank you, Henri. Would you just check? I'm sorry, Mr. Sullivan. I know nothing more about your application. That's all right. I'll come back tomorrow and check.
Oh, Mr. Graham. Good afternoon, Mr. Graham. Hello, Otto. Were you expecting some mail? No, no. I– I just… Dropped in to, uh… To see if I was still welcome. I'm poor. ( melancholy theme playing ) ( nickers ) Goal! ( melancholy theme playing ) Harold. I should like to ask you something. Certainly, sir. You've been with me for many years. What would you do if I told you I had lost all my money? I should leave immediately, sir, upon giving the proper notice. Thank you, Harold. I knew I could count on a straight answer from you. Thank you, sir. ( door closes ) MAN: You can't top Hart Schaffner & Marx. Just stand natural. It fits perfectly. It's the best suit you can find in ready-to-wear. OTTO: I'm sorry, Mr. Graham. The racquet club does not keep those members who are remiss in their dues. MR. SULLIVAN: Don't waste your time. Come with me to the Y.
MAN: Henry! You're nuts. You're not driving a Chevrolet! Oh, no! I took the liberty, sir. Yes, Harold. I was just about to ring for it. Harold, I have something to tell you. Is it about your money, sir? Yes, Harold. I've lost it. Or more accurately, spent it. In any case, it's gone. I'm sorry to hear that, sir. Have you considered borrowing from your uncle? Yes. It was my first thought. My attorney advised me against it on the grounds that it would be useless. The thing of it is, Harold, I have no hope of ever repaying him or anyone. I have no skills, no resources, no ambitions. All I am– Or was. –is rich. and that's all I ever wanted to be. I don't understand, Harold. Why did it happen to me? Why? I was– I was so happy. What will I do? What any gentleman of similar breeding and temperament would do in your position, sir.
Suicide? No, sir, I was going to suggest marriage. Marriage? You mean to a woman? Yes, sir. That is what I had in mind. It's the only way to acquire property without labor. There is inheritance, but I believe your uncle has already stated his intention of leaving everything to Radio Free Europe. Oh, I can't, Harold. I couldn't. I mean, she'd be there, asking me where I'd been, talking to me, talking. I wouldn't be able to bear it. It was only a suggestion, but the alternatives are very limited and unspeakably depressing, sir. If you do not commit suicide, you will be poor. Poor? Poor in the only real sense of the word, in that you will not be rich. You'll have a little after you've sold everything, but in a country where every man is what he has, he who has very little is nobody very much.
There's no such thing as genteel poverty here, sir. How much time do you think I have before it comes out, Harold? Hardly any, sir. You've already received your third notice from both Con Edison and the Bell telephone companies. My AT&T… At any moment, the lights may go out and the telephone go dead. General Motors… When that happens, the worst will occur. Your credit rating will be impugned. My Amarada Peet. Thank you. Oh, do it, sir. Do it. Get married, sir. Take the plunge. Find a nice, suitable young woman, sir. Borrow enough money from your uncle to keep up appearances. Don't become poor, Henry Graham. Not just for your sake– This is difficult for me to say. –but for mine as well. How many men these days require the services of a gentleman's gentleman? How many men have your devotion to form, sir? You have managed in your own lifetime to keep alive traditions that were dead before you were born. Don't give up the fight, sir, just because the Philistines are upon thee. I now respectfully give two weeks' notice, sir.
Will that be all? Yes. Thank you, sir. No, no, no. Can't. Can't. Better death or murder. That's a good idea. Harold! Harold, that was a good idea. I'm going to find a suitable woman and mur– Uh, marry her. I'm so glad, sir. Shall I dial your uncle for you? Yes, please, Harold. I hope I don't have to grovel too much. ( laughing ) Oh, God! Oh! I take it your answer is no. Yes. It's no. You've been an ass, Henry, just as your father was an ass. But you mustn't take that to mean it runs in the family. Lend you $50,000. God, what a witty thing to say! Don't think of it as a loan. But as an investment. To be repaid in six weeks with interest of 10 percent. No. Why not? It's a better return than on any stock. But you're not a stock, Henry.
You are an aging youth with no prospects, no skills, Well, I– No character. What could you possibly do in six weeks that would enable you to repay me? Get married. Get what? Get married. Get married? Yes, get married. To whom? Well, I would find a suitable woman. By suitable, you mean rich? Yes, as far as marriage is concerned– ( whirring ) You see, as far as marriage is– ( whirring ) As far as marriage is concerned, I do have prospects. I even have skills. I'm not physically disabled. No. I'm reasonably well-mannered. ( chuckles ) And I can engage in any romantic activity with an urbanity borne of disinterest. As for character, that is something I usually require of servants. We were talking about character. That is something I usually require of servants in the form of a brief letter, written by someone like myself, to the effect that the servant in question does not have the ingenuity to steal. You can't ask for better credentials for marriage or a better return on your investment. What is my collateral in case you fail? Collateral? Mmm. My wardrobe and furnishings– Oh, God! What would they…
Yes, go on. My collection of first editions, my paintings and sculpture– Ah, well… And my… What? No. No, what? Well, that's it. No, no. You said no. No, what? All right. My Ferrari 275 GDB4, which retails at $15,900 and is owned outright by me. That's at least $500,000 worth of collateral. I'm asking for a $50,000 loan. Six weeks? Six weeks. Well… I may be a sentimental old fool… ( music box playing ) but in memory of our long, long years that I spent as your guardian… ( music stops ) I'll do it. Thank you, uncle. On one condition. What's that? Should you fail to repay me in six weeks, I'm entitled to 10 times the amount I lend you. 10 times the amount? Well, that's 10 times $50,000. Yes, that's right. That's… That's everything I own. You could always go to a bank and ask for a personal loan.
A bank? Ha ha ha ha! If I could be a fly on the wall that day. Ah! Oh, oh… Those are my terms. Take them or leave them. That's usury. Mm-hmm. I'll take it. I'll have my attorney draw up the documents tonight. Thank you, uncle. Oh, no, no, no. Call me Uncle Harry. After all, we're in business together now, Henry. Thank you, Uncle Harry. In that case, you may call me Mr. Graham. MAN: Ha ha! I've never thought of you as interested in women. HARRY: It's a shock to me, too. Are there any unattached ones here? Yes, there's Sharon Hart next to Felix. Does she live with her family? As far as I know, Sharon has no close family. Her husband was a cattle baron. Really? Sharon, I'd like you to meet Henry Graham. I eat, I sleep, I swim, I dry off– all so simple, perhaps even primitive, yet it satisfies me. I have found peace in Connecticut. After all, what else is there? I love. I wish a lot. I am human. I am a woman, Henry! A what? A woman, Henry.
I want, I need, I desire love. That's what a woman is born for. Damn mosquitoes. No mother… you have no mother? No father, no, uh, no children? No one at all? No one at all. Oh, Henry… how I long to hear another voice. A man's arms… Oh… I am alive. I want to give… love. Darling… No, don't let them out! HAROLD: Three weeks, two days, and three hours to go, sir. Oh, please don't scratch, sir. Oh, god help me! WOMAN: My aunt and I are very interested in the heart fund. She had an attack– Your aunt? She live in New York? Yes, she does. What sort of an attack did she have? A heart attack– You have any other relatives? No, not at all. No mother? No mother. No father? No. No father. Would you like to put your name on our letterhead as a sponsor? No, thank you. Oh, well, would you– Henry, what are you doing here? I thought you hated dancing and didn't believe in private charities.
You were correct. HAROLD: One week, 5 days, and 10 hours, sir. I'll never do it, Harold. Never! I have to meet her, court her, marry her, and get $50,000 before the honeymoon. I can't unless I elope tomorrow. You will do it, sir. When we are working for something we love, we can always find a way. What are you spraying with? Do you really understand what you're doing? Oh, my dear. I've spent years on this– on this very topic, yes, because– They have a lot of new sprays. WOMAN: Henry! Everybody! This is Henry Graham. This is Harriet Storch. Bo, of course, you know. Mr. And Mrs. Simms– Tooth and Roggie– here from Geneva on home leave. Lucy Sylvester, and our neighbors, Dr. and Mrs. Darryl Hitler. John, Sylvester, and Freddie you know. How do you do? You're not related to the Boston Hitlers? MR.
HITLER: No, we're from Glen Cove. Henry, this is Miss Henrietta Lowell. This is Henry Graham. Miss? Miss Lowell. How do you do? Come dear, now. Come and see Bo. You've dropped your gloves, Miss Lowell. Come and have a nice chat with Bo– Uh, Gloria. What's today's date? July the 27th. Come sit with Bo. I'll get you some tea. Henry, sit down. Would you believe it? Sooty blotch. Got rid of the crown gall, and I think I've got sooty blotch. You must be going mad. Who's Henrietta Lowell? She's old guy Lowell's daughter. Who's old guy Lowell? Was. He's dead now. Been dead ever since I can remember. Who was he when he was alive? He was an industrialist or composer… something like that. Well, did he die with his wealth intact, or did he lose everything in suicide? I–oh, yeah– I'm merely curious. Well, he died with his wealth intact. I heard he was enormously wealthy when he died. Is that right? I thought you didn't know who he was. I didn't at first, but your description restored him to my memory.
He was old guy Lowell who died enormously wealthy. That right? He was enormously wealthy when he died. And the girl? She's enormously wealthy, too. Lives alone in a huge place with dozens of servants, about 50 acres of land. No mother? No. No sisters? Brothers? No close relatives? None. Henry! You're– you're hurting my arm. Oh! Sorry. Sorry. Sorry, Bo. She, uh… she not engaged? No. She's a botanist. Teaches it somewhere. Writes a lot of papers on fronds– for periodicals. Doesn't ride, either. Doesn't entertain. Doesn't even talk as far as I can tell. She's about the most isolated woman I've ever met. Rich, single, isolated… and she's about to drop that teacup. ( clattering ) Why, she's perfect. Madeleine, would you get Miss Lowell another cup of tea, please? I'm terribly sorry. That's all right, dear. Really, it couldn't matter less. It's nothing. It's just an old rug.
Just squish that out, and then just dab it. Here, I'll take that. Just dab it and blot it. Here, I'll take the gloves, dear. Oh, thank you. I can't believe this happened. I'm so sorry. I think if you– if you just, uh– There we go. ( spoon clatters ) Incredibly clumsy woman, isn't she? No wonder she doesn't ride. Forgive me a moment, will you, Bo? Excuse me. Excuse me– Ooh! ( clattering ) Henrietta, is this some kind of joke? Because if it is, I do not find it amusing. If your nerves aren't steady enough to hold a cup and saucer in your hand, then you shouldn't be drinking tea. I would like– Once, yes, but twice in a row– Is too much. Madam… There you are, madam. Take your damn carpet to the cleaners and send the bill to me.
There you are. Come, Miss Lowell, I'm taking you home. Take your bag. You son of a bitch. You dare call me a son of a bitch? Madam, I have seen many examples of perversion in my time, but your erotic obsession with your carpet is probably the most grotesque and certainly the most boring I have ever encountered. You're more to be scorned than pitied. Good day, Mrs. Cunliffe. You can dismiss your car. I'll take you home in mine. I came by bus. I beg your pardon? I didn't come by car. I came by bus. By bus? On the bus. And then to be treated in this manner? Perfect. HENRIETTA: This is very nice of you. Thank you. And I'm terribly sorry. You don't have to apologize, Miss Lowell. Your behavior has been impeccable. I did spill the tea twice. You were a guest. A woman of your stature has a right to expect courtesy in any home she consents to visit. What stature? Come now, Miss Lowell. I've read far too many botanical journals to take that question seriously.
Are you a botanist? No, just a botanical journal reader. Every science has its fans. HENRY: Carbon on the valves. Heavens! Tell me about yourself, Miss Lowell– your work, your hopes, your dreams. Well, I work as a teacher, and I also do field work and write monographs. On my last field trip, I identified and classified all the variety of ferns on Jolly Bogo. It was one of the longest monographs I've ever written. I'd love to read it sometime. My hope is to discover a new variety of fern that has never been described or classified. I don't know what my dream is. Do you think it could be the same as my hope? Well, at any rate, that is my work and my hope, except for my dreams, which I'm not certain of. What happens if you discover a new species that has never been described or classified? Well, nothing terribly much, except that you are– You're listed as its discoverer, and the entire species is named after you. Oh! Like Parkinson's disease being named after James Parkinson. That's right, or the bougainvillea being named after Louis A.
De Bougainville. Or like Brussels sprouts. Yes, that's right. That's right. It's a kind of immortality, isn't it? Yes. Yes, I guess it is. That seems rather presumptuous, doesn't it, to hope for immortality? Not to me. If you can't be immortal, why bother? Oh, Henry, you are really so… self-assured. You're so positive. It almost gives me confidence just to be with you. Then in a short time, you will be a very confident botanist, because I intend to be with you a great deal of the time. Oh, heavens! With your consent, of course. Oh, yes. I consent. I–I– I just– Oh, heavens! I will pick you up at 7:00. Yes. Bye. Until this evening. Heavens. ( honks horn ) Heavens. Good morning, Mr.– ( humming ) Good morning, Mr. Graham. You have exactly 7 days and 9 hours to destitution. Shall I serve breakfast in bed, or would you like me to follow you about with the tray? I haven't got time.
Find a college outline of botany. Reserve a table for two at Pavillon, call the florist, and start making out a guest list. I think I have found Miss Right. Heavens. How tasteful. '55 was a glorious year for Moutard Rochier. Better than '53, I think, don't you? May I ask you something? Certainly, Henrietta. Have you ever tasted Mogen David's Extra Heavy Malaga Wine with soda and lime juice? Uh, not that I can recall. One of my students happened to introduce it to me on a field trip to the Canary Islands. It tastes a little like grape juice, and every year is good. Why don't you just drink grape juice? It's not as sweet. I had never drunk wine at all until I tried Mogen David's Extra Heavy Malaga Wine with soda and lime juice. It's delicious. It's called a Malaga cooler. Malaga cooler? Oh, well, that's..
. sounds… unique. Thank you, Raoul. Welcome, sir. Bonsoir, madame. Here you are. There. Thank you, Raoul. Welcome, sir. Good night. Good night, Mr. Graham. Good night, Stuart. Good to see you again. Come, my dear. 5 days and 11 hours. Today is Wednesday, isn't it? Then the ceremony has to be Saturday. That means that I will have to propose tonight if we're to get licensed by Friday. Do you know anything about Mendel's experiments– Mendel's experiments with garden peas? No… Well, bone up. Study the chapter on classification. I'll have to have someone test me on division, class, order, family, genus, species, and variety, before I go on to seed and fruit dispersal. I'm so glad you've found a nice, suitable young lady. She is not suitable. She's primitive. She has no spirit, no wit, no conversation, and has to be vacuumed every time she eats.
Oh, she must be very wealthy, sir. Yes, she is. Cancel my theater tickets for tonight. I'll have to start early if I'm going to propose. Yes, sir. Shall I order additional champagne, sir? No. No champagne. Order a dozen bottles of Mogen David's Extra Heavy Malaga Wine and lime juice, and lower your eyebrows, please. I told you she was primitive. To science. Do you have any straws? Straws? No straws. I should have told you to buy straws. ( ice breaking ) I have recently been rereading Gregor Mendel's fascinating experiments with garden peas, and it has struck me again how much we owe our understanding of plant genetics– with all its myriad implications– to that brilliant pioneer. Yes, but we mustn't forget Morgan and Muller– Morgan, Muller, and Mendel. Who? Gregor Mendel. The man that you just mentioned. Morgan, Muller, and Mendel, I think, are a perfect example of scientific synthesis. Um.
..does it s-seem that to you? No, it doesn't. Collective appraisal doesn't appeal to me. I didn't mean to criticize– Ooh! Oh, oh, your carpet, your beautiful carpet– That's all right, Henrietta, please. Don't, please. Is there any cold water? No. Never mind. Please sit down, Henrietta. Henrietta, please. Nonsense. Nonsense. The floor needed a touch of color. Ha ha ha! Henry, I'm so stupid and clumsy and gauche. I don't know what to say. I ruined another carpet! Please, stop that. Can you possibly believe for one moment that what happens to this foolish, hairy floor covering matters to me, when I have you sitting beside me, looking at me with your beautifully soft, yet highly intelligent, well-informed eyes, talking to me in your gentle, yet perfectly modulated, podium-trained voice? Ha ha ha! You must think me very superficial.
Oh, no. I don't. Henrietta, uh… would you– uh, would you– would you care for some more wine? Oh, yes, I would love some. Henrietta. Henrietta, I have something to ask you. I…I… uh…uh… Um, what time is it? It's, um… Oh, it's 10:00. I'm going to have to leave pretty soon, 'cause I have to get up tomorrow very early for a class. Oh. Ooh. Pardon? Is something wrong? Henry? Henry? Oh. No. No. Henrietta… Henrietta, we have a great deal in common, you and I. We are both of the same division– vertebrata, the same class– mammalia, the same order– primate, the same family– hominidae, the same genus– homo, the same species– sapiens, and the same variety of a class. That's not how you classify variety.
Keep quiet, Hen– Oh, I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. Where was I? Oh, yes. The only difference between us is that I am a man and you are a woman, and that won't interfere if we're reasonably careful. Uh… y-yes. Henrietta, what I'm trying to say is… will you marry me? I beg your pardon? ( burps ) ( crash ) ( burps ) Pardon me? Oh, Henrietta, if you care for me at all– even if you don't but feel you could learn to care for me in a reasonable amount of time, please say yes. There is often a tidy profit in speculation. I do care for you, Henry. Oh, Henrietta– Aah! Damn it to hell. Did you hurt yourself? No, kneeling on broken glass is my favorite pastime. It keeps me from slouching. Get up, Henry. Not until I finish. I would kneel on anything for you. Henrietta, if you turn me down, it will be the end of me.
I'll literally have nothing. I'm not–I won't. You won't? I'm not going to turn you down. You're not? No. I love you, Henry, and that was my dream, Henry, from the moment that you spilled your tea on Gloria Cunliffe's aubusson– that someday you would ask me to marry you. That was most of my dream. Henrietta, darling, will this Saturday be too soon? This Saturday? Yes. This is, um… Wednesday, Thursday, Friday… Oh, heavens. Mercy. Answer yes or no, Henrietta. I'm intensely uncomfortable. Yes. Yes. Yes. Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you. Here…oof! Ah. You're a good girl. You're a good– a good girl. Ah. Thank you. Oh, heavens. I mean, mercy. Gracious. Heavens. Stay with "heavens." Ow! Stop that, Harold. I'm sorry, sir. That hurts.
I'm saved, Harold. Lacerated, but saved. I'm enormously pleased, sir. Oh, I wish you could have been there, Harold. I was brilliant– brilliant! You would have been astonished at my technique. I don't doubt it, sir. Harold, send an announcement out to the newspapers and put Miss Lowell's attorney on the guest list. It seems he's a close, personal friend of hers. Has the wine come up off the rug? I'm soaking it in various solvents, but they only seem to dissolve the nap. I ought to sue her. Do you know how many llamas must have died to make that rug? Have my travel agent book a cottage somewhere for a few days. I'll have to pick up the $50,000 during the honeymoon. Oh, sir, isn't that just a trifle unseemly? Unseemly? Unseemly? Harold, after her behavior tonight, anything I do will be seemly. Never have I seen one woman in whom every social grace was so lacking.
Did I say she was primitive? I retract that. She's feral. I've never spent a more destructive evening in my life. I am nauseated. I limp. My teeth are rotting from an excess of sugar that no amount of toothpaste can dislodge. I will taste those damn Malaga coolers forever. That woman is a menace to western civilization as we know it. She doesn't deserve to live. Forget I said that. Yes. He did it. He did it. Get off my lap, you little ingrate. ( yelps ) ( dialing ) He did it. He really, really did it. Yes. Yes, I know who Henrietta Lowell s attorney is. In fact, he has an office somewhere in this building. Well, let's put it this way, Harry. He doesn't seem to have a very active practice. Henrietta Lowell seems to be his only client. Well, what I mean is, he may not be exactly overjoyed at the idea of sharing her affections with Henry.
No, no, no, no! No. Andrew… No. No, I won't accept it. As your lawyer, I forbid it. But, Andrew, I'm in love. Nonsense! After three days? Who is he– one of your students? That little wino who went with you on one of your field trips? Malcolm is not a wino. Then it is him. No. Then who is it? Foreigner? Some wop with a fancy title? What's the little fortune hunter's name? I don't see why you take it for granted that the only reason somebody would marry me is for my money. There may be another basis, you know. Oh, my God. Of course, Henrietta. Don't you think that I know? Haven't I proposed to you these past 10 years on whatever other basis there is? It's just that, with your discrete beauty and womanly presence, I find it deeply suspicious for anyone who claims to have penetrated the many mysteries of your personality in three days! You're saying that I'm plain and shy, but that after a while you get used to it.
I am not! Yes, you are. I'm saying that you're not flagrant. You're subtle, like some very expensive, custom-made… hat. I don't know what I'm saying. Can't you see that I'm distraught? Andrew, listen to me. No, no… You will find someone else. Andrew, you will find some wonderful woman who deserves you. Woof! Are you all right, Andrew? Yes. Andrew, oh, please, what's wrong? Nothing, Henrietta. N-Nothing. Henrietta, darling– No, no. We must– No, Andrew. We should talk. Andrew, I am going now. I am leaving to meet Henry, who, it just so happens, is an American citizen of English extraction with a very large fortune of his own. Oh, really? Yes. What's Henry's last name? Graham. Oh, Andrew, please– please come to the wedding. I'll be so disappointed if you don't give me away.
Please? Please? All right. Henry Graham, huh? Well, you won't get away with it, Henry Graham– won't, will not get away with it! Let me see, now. I have to do something. Who do I know who's pregnant and a good sport? ( buzz ) yes, Miriamne. A Mr. Harry Graham is on 21, sir. He says it's extremely urgent and confidential. Harry Graham? Yes, sir. Very well, put him on. Little ninny. Doesn't even know his right name. Mr. Graham! You'll wonder why I called you here today, one day before you are united as man and wife. Let me explain. As Henrietta s friend and attorney, it behooves me to take on the ever unpleasant role of the devil's advocate, and despite her assurances that you are a man of means, I've taken it upon myself to investigate your financial status. ( clattering ) Excuse me, sir. Tea will be delayed for several minutes. Andrew, you had no right.
It's all right, Henrietta. I have nothing to hide. The Grahams have been with the same bank for six generations, as Mr. McPherson has undoubtedly discovered. I didn't speak to the bank. I spoke to your uncle. ( clattering ) your butler seems to have weak wrists. Andrew, I think it's just dreadful of you to do that, to call Henry's uncle and speak to him as though he were opening up a charge account. I'm so sorry, Henry. I didn't call Henry's uncle. He called me, in order to tell me that his nephew borrowed $50,000 from him 5 1/2 weeks ago, because his trust fund ran out and he had to pay some bills and marry a wealthy woman before the news of it got around. I hope you can substantiate this hearsay, because I intend to sue you for slander. I can substantiate it. I wouldn't be here if I couldn't. Henrietta, here's a photostat of the original note.
Take a good look at it. ( gulp ) They're rather interesting terms, aren't they? You still going to sue me for slander, Mr. Graham? Yes, Mr. McPherson, I am still going to sue you. You see, McPherson, I knew for several years that my money was running out. Now, if you can convince a court that any man with the slightest interest at all in money would sit around for years doing nothing while his money ran out, and then jump up and borrow $50,000 under the most disadvantageous terms imaginable, so that he could dash out and catch himself a rich wife in order to pay it back within six weeks, I will withdraw my suit for slander. All right. Excuse me, Henrietta. Now, let's put it this way, Graham. Now, let's put it this way, Graham. If you can convince a court that any man without any interest at all in money of any kind would borrow $50,000 for no reason at all, I'll withdraw my charge. Agreed. All right, let's hear the reason. Now, you were going to use the $50,000 to set up a fund for the disadvantaged and make a better world.
Am I close? No sense in being facetious, Mr. McPherson. I was going to use the $50,000 to tidy up my affairs and then, immediately afterwards, kill myself. Henry! Yes, Henrietta. The day I met you, I was a dead man. My life was over, and then… something happened to me. I suddenly realized that if, by some miracle, I could have you, I would have a purpose– an answer to the emptiness of my existence. And so I proposed, Henrietta, not to get your money, but to find out if I had a reason to live. Henry, why didn't you tell me? I–I would have married you the very first day. Henrietta! Wait a minute. You don't believe that garbage, do you? Any sex-starved half-wit would know that's just a line. You are being unbelievably cruel. Thank you for keeping me alive. You're welcome, Henry. You're entirely welcome. I can't believe this! Andrew– Get off! I beg of you, Henrietta–sorry. I don't care to discuss it.
If he's not interested in your money, make him prove it. I would do anything in the world to prove to you that I haven't the slightest interest in your money. I have a way. There is no way. I have a way. But there is no way! Have him consent to a legal arrangement that prevents him from gaining financially after the marriage. Don't listen to him. That way, people won't get the wrong impression. That's a good idea. Let's make all my accounts joint with Henry, and he's to have a checkbook with his name on it, and I would like the debt to his uncle paid before the wedding. You would like– you would– Are you crazy? It was your idea. It was not. My idea was for him to disclaim your money, not to share it. That's ridiculous, Andrew. It's very naive of you. If Henry disclaimed all my money, then I would have to write his checks for him. Then people would think he was marrying me for my money. Don't you see? This way, he'll already have my money, so no one can think he's marrying me for it.
Don't you think that's a good solution, Henry? You nincompoop! That's no solution at all! How dare you call my fiancée a nincompoop? Harold, get Mr. McPherson 's hat and show him out. We have to get to the bank before it closes at 3:00. ( violin playing ) Nein, nein, nein. Nein, nein. I thought you were going to play the Bach. This is what he told me to play. Harold, you've got to stop her. Stop who? That little woman– she's touching things. Oh, no! She's–Harold, she's unscrewing my Montrazzini. You don't have time to make a fuss now. I'll screw it back. She's destroying my living room. I don't even know her. She's a stranger. I don't want her here. ( door slams ) Get out! I thought this was the bathroom. Well, it's not. If you touch anything else, I'll have you arrested. Sir, get ahold of yourself.
This is what it'll be like. She'll be everywhere, touching things, poking her nose into where it doesn't belong, pretending she's looking for the bathroom. No, sir, you will share things. I don't want to share things. I want to own them. Why are you standing there? McPherson send you in here to find out what was going on? Is he the groom? Don't answer that, Harold. I'll ask the questions from here on in. ( knocking ) Henrietta, if I could just talk to you… That woman is not as isolated as I thought. Who are you, really? Let's have it. I want real names, or you'll regret it. I'm Dodie Heinrich, Professor Heinrich 's daughter. Professor Heinrich? Harold, she's invited some Nazi to the wedding. Sir, you are hysterical. You must get hold. You are due at the altar. I won't get dressed in front of a woman.
She might as well understand that now! You already are dressed. Oh! Get her out. Out! Come, Miss Heinrich. I will escort you to the bathroom. Get out! Out! ( knock ) I will not have her touching my things. Oh. I'm terribly sorry. Come on, it's time. What are you doing up there? ( music playing ) Frank, I think one of my legs is shorter than the other. Yes, I know, old man. It'll get longer again after the ceremony. ( toilet flushes ) Oh, I'll kill her! ( Wagner's Bridal March plays ) ( whispering ): Henrietta… it's not too late. I love you, Henrietta. Please don't do this insane thing. Oh, Henrietta, at least talk to his uncle. I'll kill myself, Henrietta. I'll slash my throat. I'll jump out a window. I ask you for just one..
. Would you step back, just a half-step? Henry, could you stand next to Henrietta? Dearly beloved, we are gathered in the sight of God and in the face of this company… McPHERSON: Ohh… to join together this man and woman in holy matrimony… ( crying ) which is an honorable estate instituted of God… ( sobbing ) signifying unto us the mystical union betwixt Christ and the church. I'll be leaving now. I hope you enjoy your stay. Thank you. Thank you. Um… Henrietta, I will use this chest, and you can use that one, or would you prefer I use that chest? Um, that one will be fine. I will unpack my own things. I have a certain way to unpack. If anyone touches anything, I get mixed up. Yes, Henry. All right, then. Shall we unpack? I'm just going to dig up this specimen and take it home for classification. It's probably been classified for years, but I might as well try it anyway.
Why not? This is really incredible. I know this isn't a cyathea. I know it's an Alsophila, but it seems to have some kind of… vestigial anduzium. Whoops! Henry. Oops. Ugh. "Commonly found in gardening sheds." Whoops! Perfect. HENRY: Spraying and emulsifying agents– soaps, savins, gelatin. Sticking agents, deflocculating agents… get poison from gardening shed. Herbicides, arsenic acid, sodium arsenite, boron compounds, cyanides, cyocyanates and related compounds… ( humming Home Sweet Home ) ( whistling Home Sweet Home ) ♪ Home, home, On the range ♪♪ Ahem. Oh, um, Henrietta, I meant to ask you, which, um… which bed do you prefer? Either one is fine for me. Um… this one is fine. Fine. Then I will take that one. When we both use the same bed, we'll use this one. Champagne? Oh. Thank you.
Henrietta, where, uh… Where's your other arm? It's in the nightgown. It's a Grecian-style nightgown. It fits over one shoulder, and the other arm goes inside. It's very uncomfortable. I can barely move my head around. It's fine, I, uh… just think you have your head through the armhole. If you just stand up for a minute… That's it. Here you are. I think… You see, you have your head through the armhole. Oh. Now, pick your arm up. Uh, no, not that one. Put that one down. That arm down. This… Pick this arm up. That's it. That's it. Now…here we are. Just get this over. I can't put my glasses… Here. Let me put your glasses down here. All right. Now, hold it. Now, just a minute. Right. See, you have your head through the armhole. We have to get your head out..
. out of the armhole. See, both of the holes look very similar. Well, where… where is your head hole? We… I thought my head was in it. You had your head in the armhole. Where are you now? I'm still where I was. Where… Uh…just a minute. Oh. Here. That's it. Here you are. Now get your arm… This arm? Yes. Get this arm through…through… No, wait a minute, you have… Yes. I'm caught. There. That's it. Now put this arm through here. This is a head- and-left-arm-hole here. There you are. That's it. That's it. Oh, I see. Now. There. That's the way it's supposed to… well, it still looks strange. I'm…I'm sorry to be so much trouble, dear. That's all right. It's not for long. Harold. Harold. Welcome home. Where is Mrs. Graham, sir? Who? Where is she, sir? Hello? There you are, madam. May I express my great joy at seeing you again? Thank you, Harold, heavens.
Harold, where's the chauffeur? I couldn't find him, sir. He disappeared as I was about to leave. Couldn't find him? John is a little forgetful. That's why I usually take the bus. Who's John? John is the chauffeur. He has memory lapses. I think you ought to prepare yourself, sir. Mrs. Graham's household is incredibly democratic. Couldn't find the chauffeur… Oh, chauffeur? Chauffeur? Well, you're early! Well, welcome home and congratulations. Thank you very much. Mrs. Traggert, I would like you to meet my husband, Henry Graham. How do you do? Henry, this is our housekeeper, Mrs. Traggert. May I ask where the chauffeur is? Well, uh… Didn't he pick you up at the airport? No, he did not. Ah. Well. I guess his car broke down. I'll have to look into that. Will you, uh.
.. be wanting dinner at home this evening? Henry, you want dinner at home? Yes. Supper for two, Mrs. Traggert. Very good. Thank you, Mrs. Traggert. You're welcome. Well, uh… How do you like it so far, dear? Well, I've only seen the foyer. Oh. Well, um… This is the main hall. The main… Oh, now, baby. Oh, I need you. Oh, I want you. Oh. Mmm. Oh, who, um… Who are they? Um…one of them was a maid, and the other, uh… was the chauffeur– John. John the chauffeur? Yes. Tell me, Henrietta, on what basis do you hire your servants– efficiency or personal charm? Well, both, actually. I mean, I don't actually hire them. Mrs. Traggert does most of the hiring, but when I, uh… When I did hire them, I used both criteria. Oh, uh, madam… Are you a guest in this house? No. I'm a hard worker. You think these are ornaments? Madam, would you mind using the servants'…
Don't push, please. Staircase? This is the cook's daughter, Mindy. How do you do? What are you doing with that cigarette? At your age, you want to get emphysema? Madam– What a piss. You're wet behind the ears. Never heard of such a thing. Uh, madam, would you mind letting us through? We…Harold? Yes, sir? Harold, get the household accounts from Mrs. Traggert immediately. Meet me in the drawing room in 10 minutes. Finish the luggage later. You may go now, Harold. Yes. This is insane. Absolutely astonishing. I thought it might be, sir. She keeps it under the mattress. Huh. Look at this, Harold. There are 17 servants in this house, including a cook's daughter, who gets $200 a week as a mother's helper. Oh, tsk, tsk, tsk. The food bills average out to $130 a day, and there are no receipts.
"Miscellaneous– $6,000 a month." Harold, after dinner, I want all the servants in this room. Be sure that Mrs. Graham is not present. Copy this ledger exactly and put it back under the mattress. Certainly, sir. Harold, do you happen to know where the gardening shed is? Yes, sir. It's in the back of the garden. Oh, good. I guess I'll take a stroll around the grounds. We don't have anything like that, Mr. Graham. Mrs. Graham won't allow it. She's a strict believer in the organic method. But surely, some of the more basic pesticides– arsenic, strychnine, that kind of thing. Nope. A healthy plant and a healthy soil– that's the organic method. Works, too. Oh, really? Well… Hmm. If it really works, why change it? ♪ For he's A jolly good fellow ♪ ♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪ ♪ For he's A jolly good fellow ♪ ♪ Which nobody can deny ♪ Mr.
Graham, on behalf of the entire staff, I would like to welcome you aboard and drink a toast to your success. Thank you very much, Mrs. Traggert. No, thank you. Give him the flowers. No, thank you very much. Sir, a daily double ticket I placed for you. Thank you very much. I would like to say a word, please, Mrs. Traggert. There's something about you that puzzles me. Why do you continue on in the arduous position of housekeeper when by investing wisely, you could have your own town house in Sutton Place? Ha-ha-ha! ( plays harmonica ) And a guaranteed income for life? Oh! Surely after having successfully managed to pad the household accounts to the tune of 35,000 tax-free dollars per year for five years, you must have salted something away. Have I ever! Ha-ha-ha! I'm not including, of course, the token salary of $800 a week. Four hundred, four, four.
$800 a week you receive as mad money. Ah, is it mad! Ha-ha-ha! Ooh, is it mad! Ha-ha-ha! Mrs. Traggert, you're fired. I don't know what that means. That means that you are a thief, Mrs. Traggert. On what grounds are you making this accusation? I'm calling you a thief on the basis of the household accounts which you very sensibly hid under your mattress. Well, listen, Mr. Graham, could I speak to you for just one minute? The time is now 9:07. If you're not out of this house by 10:00, I'll call the police. Shall we synchronize our watches, or would you rather go for broke? You wouldn't like to hear my side of the story? ( dials telephone ) All right. All right. I'm leaving. Oh, John. Yes, sir? Do you think we ought to scrap our cars? Huh? According to your gas consumption and mileage record, each car averages 15 miles a day at one mile per gallon while parked in the garage. It would mean bankruptcy if we actually drove them. Well, those figures are wrong by about, uh..
. Half? John, do you have a suitcase? Yeah. I have, uh…five. I could always use another one. Five will do very nicely, John. Pack all five and be out of this house in 45 minutes, or I will shoot you for trespassing. I– I– I don't get it. I'll try to clarify it, John. You're being fired because you're a cheap crook. If you're not out of this house and off these grounds in 45 minutes, I will shoot you as a trespasser with proved criminal intentions, and I am an excellent shot. Does that make it clearer? Well, uh… If you're going to act like that, I quit. As for the rest of you, you have exactly two hours to get out. Out! And I do not believe that for one second. I have a present for Mr. Graham. Is the party over already? Is it over? You, too, madam.
He means business! Ah, these are the general accounts. Sign these by the X. Very good, Harold. Henry, there are a lot of strange people in the house cleaning. They are not people. They are servants. I hired them this morning. Mrs. Traggert will be furious. She's been fired with the rest of the staff. Her emotional responses need no longer concern you. Erica, this is Mrs. Graham. This is our new housekeeper. She'll be working under Harold. How are you, Mrs. Graham? Fine. Thank you. You may go now. Thank you very much, Erica. Henrietta, come, please. Thank you. You may go, Erica. Henrietta, come. Don't shake hands– Please, don't shake hands with the servants, Henrietta. It destroys all hope of any discipline. You fired Mrs. Traggert? Yes, I fired Mrs. Traggert.
You fired John, too? Especially John. And they agreed? We didn't vote on it, Henrietta. I simply told them they were fired. Which reminds me, how attached are you to Mr. McPherson? Oh, no. Oh, no, Henry. He's a total incompetent, Henrietta. Do you have any idea how much money has been spent to run this house? No, but Andrew knows. Andrew cosigned all of Mrs. Traggert's checks. Really, he has his finger on everything. He cosigned all of Mrs. Traggert's checks? Yes. He's very thorough. Henry– He… You allowed Mrs. Traggert to have her own checking account? Um… Yes, it was the household account. She said that it would be easier for her, so I, uh…did. Henrietta… Yes? Oh, never mind. I, uh…ahem. Henrietta, I'll handle the finances from here on in. Yes? I'd like the bank to issue a statement covering all your accounts and please instruct them that no check is to be drawn unless it is cosigned by me.
I can go over your holdings and your federal and state tax returns after your… After… Afterward. Afterwards. Holding and federal… Okay. Heavens. Oh! Hmm. Just a piece of cotton, dear. Holding and federal. Oh, uh, Henrietta. Yes. I suppose you're absolutely satisfied with the organic method. Oh, yes. Yes, I am. ( people talking at once ) Just a minute. Listen– Shut up! Mr. McPherson, I want you to do something about this. I didn't even get my two weeks' notice. What do you suggest? If a judge sees those salaries, he'll clap you in jail on spec. There are very few chauffeurs that make $600 a week. $300. You get half. That's right! Of everybody's! I advise you to keep your mouth shut about that. According to the records, I don't take anything at all. Is that so? There's 10 of us against you. We'll put you into it. Our word is as good as his. Laura, Esther.
.. Laura, kids. I'm not a kid. Shh. Let him talk. Kids, we've been together a long time, right? You've been a great team. Oh, we've had some bad years, good years. We… laughed a little, cried a little, put a little away together, but it's all over now. There's nothing we can do about it. ( intercom buzzes ) Yes, Miriamne? The bank just called to say that Mr. Graham has instructed them not to issue any funds without his signature. ( clicks off intercom ) HENRY: Fire McPherson. Get a textbook on accounting. Henry. You have a B.A. in History. Gardening shed… Oh, Henry, how wonderful! ( computer beeping ) Whom do I know with a gardening shed? I sprayed, and the crown gall was gone.
What an exciting coincidence! Have you ever thought of teaching, dear? There's an instructorship opening this fall in History, and there seems to be no prospect of filling it because so many of the teachers have gone into the sciences… All you need is a B.A., and you have that. You'd only have two classes… ( Henrietta's voice fades away ) …back in the evening together. Don't you? We could have lunch together in the teacher's cafeteria, and then, every semester, we could grade our term papers together in the study. Henrietta, for the last time, I have no inclination to teach. None. Not the slightest. How do you know, dear, if you've never tried? Instinct. "On a cash basis, accrual basis..
." ( mumbling ) "For example, deduct taxes "in the year they're paid." Henry. I wanted to finish the accounts and get you… Get them out of the way this week. He handles the income taxes rather well. Henry, I wanted to ask you something. What? I wanted to ask you something. What? Well, you know that every summer, I go on a field trip for my research work, and I was just wondering if this year, it would be all right if I went on a field trip. Field trip? For how long? Only for a week or two. I thought I might go on a canoe trip to the Adirondacks. It's very lovely there. It's all sort of tangled and isolated, and I usually go with one of my students, but, um…it just occurred to me that this year, you and I might, perhaps, go together. Together? To the Adirondacks. ( computer beeping ) The Adirondacks.
Would we need a guide or anyone? Not if we didn't wander from our camp, and I would feel perfectly safe with you there, Henry. I would feel safer than with a guide. Sounds wonderful, doesn't it? Sounds like the answer to everything. ( door opening ) Harold, can't I use a suitcase? I think carrying a suitcase through the woods would prove something of a hazard. You're being difficult. Don't forget to pack my Cezani. Yes, sir. Mrs. Graham seems to be a most good-natured lady, sir. I'm pleased the marriage is working out so well. She's not good-natured. She is regressed. I have never seen such a helpless human being. Uh, do you remember some weeks ago, sir, when you told me that you'd lost all your money and you had no skills and no ambitions? Harold, don't forget to pack the compasses and the maps. Yes, sir. You do have skills and ambitions, sir. Look how you've taken over the house.
You've learned to handle accounts and grapple with taxes, and you've tidied up Mrs. Graham. Oh, no. I forgot to check her before she went to school. She'll walk around with price tags dangling from her sleeves. I took the liberty, sir. Thank you, Harold. Was she free of crumbs? Only a slight sprinkling. I brushed her off. My point is, sir, that you have shown a most surprising talent. And although Mrs. Graham's helplessness is a bit irritating at times, couldn't it be in some strange way, sir, that this very helplessness has been the stimulus of your own amazing new competence? Very often, sir, what we dislike most in other people is only a reflection of our own inadequacy, sir, and our own shortcomings. Why don't you pack the revolver? Please put the flask down. Pack the– Never mind now. Put the flask down. Put the revolver down. I'll do it. You may go now.
Thank you. Yes. HENRIETTA: Henry! Henry! Henry! Henry! Henry! Henry! Easy, Henrietta. Coming right down. Henry. Yes. Wait. Relax. Just… Just easy. Catch your breath. That's it. Relax. Calm down. Here we are. Sit down. That's it. That's it, now. Catch your breath. What is it? It's been accepted. My Alsophila eunocardi Grahami. They've accepted it. Try to speak calmly, dear. What is it they have accepted? It's a tropical tree fern. I discovered it during our honeymoon. And when I couldn't classify it, I thought it might be a true species, but I couldn't believe it. I sent it to Wagner at the University of Michigan, and, Henry, it is. It's a true species. I've discovered a true species! Well, that's very nice.
Very nice. Well, well. Now you'll be able to name a whole species, won't you? Just like, um… What's his name? Louis A. De Bougainville. That's right, or James Parkinson. Or, um… Brussels sprouts. Brussels sprouts. Well, well, well. You've achieved a kind of immortality after all, haven't you? Now you'll be in all the atlases under L, right before Morgan, Muller, and Mendel. It will be cross-indexed under G– Alsophila Grahami for Graham. For Graham? You mean that you've discovered a new species and have named it for Graham after doing all your work as Lowell? You fool! That's not the way to name a species. I didn't name it for me, Henry. I named it for you. Alsophila Grahami for Henry Graham. Alsophila Grahami for Henry Graham. Well, are– are you sure that they'll know, I mean, that it's me? Will they have my name in the atlas under G for Henry Graham? Yes, and they'll have you in all the textbooks as a footnote. As a footnote and in the atlases under G? Well, I've achieved a small slice of immortality myself, haven't I? As a footnote and under G.
Are you pleased, Henry? Yes, it was very thoughtful of you, Henrietta. I believe I am pleased. I put the tip of one frond into a plastic token so that you could wear it always if you want to. Oh, yes. Well, why not? I mean, it will be a wonderful conversation piece. "What frond is in your token, Henry?" "Why, my own frond, "an Alsophila Grahami. Why do you ask?" Do you like it? Yes, yes. Very attractive. Good lines– I mean, for a frond. Don't you… Don't you think it should be under L? I mean, Alsophila Lowellia? I feel as though you've given me your place in the atlases. Henry, I don't think I could have ever discovered it without you. You gave me confidence. You remember? You said that if being with you was going to give me confidence, I was going to be a very confident botanist.
Well, you were right. Alsophila Grahami. Well, well, well. Henrietta, what happens if you get lost in these woods? Well, various things. Various things such as what? For example, there's a stream, then you would follow the stream. Which way? We would follow the stream upstream. Henry, I'm having such a wonderful time. Our entire marriage has been like a long, beautiful field trip. That's nice. That makes me feel better, somehow. ( hands clapping ) ( buzzing ) Would you like some more Z-11? No, it's the Z-11 that's attracting them. It's a repellent. So they would lead you to believe. ( clapping ) Would you like some more calamine lotion? No, thank you. It only makes it itch more. They say that if you don't scratch, it itches less. They're wrong. It only looks like it itches less because you're not scratching. One just got me on the bridge of the nose. Should we put something on it? No, thank you.
From now on, Henrietta, I'll make the coffee. Yes, dear. Now, how'd that happen? You're all sticky, Henrietta. I spilt the honey. Here, Henrietta. From now on, dear, I'll make the dinner. What will I do? You will eat. It seems easier to paddle, somehow. That's because the current gets stronger as we approach the rapids. Look, dear. Aren't they beautiful? What? The rapids. Those are the rapids? Just tell me exactly what to do. I'm a very good sailor. Paddle like hell toward shore! Aah! Pardon? Never mind! Never mind? Never mind! Paddle in any particular direction, dear? Pull harder on the left side! The left side! Pull harder! Should I keep pulling on the left side? We seem to be heading toward the bank. Aah! The right side! The right side! Henry, how much longer do the rapids go on? That's odd.
It just seems to stop. Oh, Henry. Listen. Henry, it sounds like a waterfall. Oh, my God. That's what it is. It just stops and becomes a waterfall. Paddle like hell toward the bank! Toward the bank! There is no bank. There's just rocks. Aah! Aah! Henry? Henry? I can't… Ahem… I can't swim. I don't know how to swim! Henry. Henrietta, you hold onto that log until I tell you to let go. "The canoe overturned, "I looked desperately through the waters, but, I… I couldn't find her." Henry? "And if only she had told me she couldn't swim, "if only we had taken a guide… "But she had her heart set on going with me alone." All right, Henrietta. I'm ready for you now. Take a deep breath, hold your nose, and let go! Henrietta, look. I mean..
. Look. An Alsophila Grahami. Alsophila Grahami, up here in the north woods. I've lost it. I've lost my token. I've lost my Alsophila Grahami! Henrietta! Henrietta! Damn it to hell! Nothing ever turns out the way it's supposed to. You work, you plan… Henrietta, damn it! All right. You may breathe now, Henrietta. Oh… You may breathe now. Let go of your nose! All right, now hold my shoulders. Face me. Hold my shoulders. That's it. Hold onto them. All right. Hold them. Breathe. Breathe. Through your mouth. Oh… Keep your chin up. Chin up. Breathe through your mouth. That's it. And if you taste water, spit it out. Don't spit on me, Henrietta. Just spit the water out into the river. That's it. That's it.
Now breathe. Very good. Here, now. Sit down in the sun and warm up. That's it. That's it. Now, you still cold? Well, I better hold you. My body should provide some warmth. Uh… Henry. Henry. Henry? I'll always be able to depend on you, won't I, all the rest of my life? I'm afraid so. Henry, the History classes are going to be much smaller this year. Henrietta, I'm not going to teach History… probably. It seems a shame though, Henry. You're a very talented man. Are you sure you won't change your mind? I don't know. I have no mind as far as I can tell. Are you still cold? I'm a little warmer. Good. Henry? Henry? Yes? I know that this isn't exactly what you planned. What? But will you mind doing it very much? Being a History instructor? And going to the university with you in the mornings? And grading term papers with you in the study every semester? Not terribly.
Come. I think we'd better go..